Just about every youth group on the planet will have at least one blended family or family of divorce. This group is becoming larger and larger every year as divorce and remarriage become more common and accepted. I personally didn’t realize just how hard it can be to work with these families until we moved to our current church. I would estimate that 90% of our youth come from these types of families! It’s shocking!
In these families there are whole new dynamics, new problems, and new pitfalls to avoid. Often the roles of parents are confused and students are given too much freedom too soon. Or the other side of that coin is that they may have no freedom and receive no attention that they so desperately crave. So what do I do about it? I’m just the youth minister’s wife. What’s my role in all of this?
5 Guidelines I use when Working with Blended & Broken Families
1. Do your best to figure out the family structure. Who belongs to whom? Who are half-siblings? Step siblings, etc.? Who do the students live with?
2. Don’t take sides between the parents (if at all possible), but act in the students’ best interest.
3. Always listen but don’t take for granted that you are hearing the absolute truth. Everyone has their own take on the situation.
4. Show lots of care and attention but proceed with caution as their family situations are often volatile.
5. Love on them and be Jesus to them no matter how they might treat you. You may be the only witness in their lives.
Colossians 3:12 &13 “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Why Me God?
Wednesday afternoon I received a phone call from my little sister. She was barely able to keep form crying as she told me that she and daddy were taking my mom to the hospital because she was having chest pains, she was feeling clammy, and half of her face was numb. She promised that she would keep me updated and I quickly made arrangements to leave work and meet up with my husband so that we could drive two hours to be with both of my sisters, my dad, and my mom.
As the shock began to wear off, the reality began to sink in that very soon my mom could be gone. After all, my mom’s family has a strong history of heart disease. There were so many different things running through my head and so many emotions coursing through my body that I could barely decipher one from the next. Looking back on it I am surprised that one particular question never crossed my mind when it so easily could have. I never once asked, “Why me, God?”
Now before I go blowing my own horn or you begin thinking I come across a little too saintly to believe, let me tell you that in other life situations that was the very first question on my mind. When Jimmy and I experienced our miscarriage I not only asked God “Why?”; I also hated Him for the pain and loss the miscarriage caused. I believe all men and women either have already had or will have at least one experience in their lives that will make them wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people and good things to bad people. So let’s look at a couple of reasons why God allows us to experience heartaches and struggles.
Why God Let’s Us Experience Heartaches and Struggles
God gave us Freewill
As men and women we are able to make our own decisions because God gave us freewill. However, some of the struggles that life brings us are a consequence of the freewill choices that we have made. We should constantly be struggling to follow God’s will for our lives. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” We are also tempted because we are allowed to make up our own minds about what we will do, when we will do it, and how we will do it. God is just and He will discipline those who willing chooses to go outside of His will. Still He uses these unpleasant times for our benefit. This is clearly explained in Hebrews 11:12, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Struggles and Heartaches allow us to Grow
God uses the hardest times in our lives to make the greatest change in who we are and how we live our lives. In Romans 5:3-5 He clearly explains, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” If life was never hard would we really learn lessons like trust, faith, hope, and love? You don’t know who you truly are or what you truly believe in until you have been tested.
Our Experiences Allow Us to Help Others
Empathy. It is a strong but often over looked word and an even stronger feeling. I don’t think that I fully understood empathy for the longest time. As I mentioned before, Jimmy and I went through a miscarriage in our first year of marriage. It was during this time that I first began to understand what empathy truly meant. I had this one girlfriend, who also happened to be a youth ministers wife, who went out of her way to love me and listen to me and comfort me because she had been through two miscarriages herself and knew exactly what feelings I was up against. In fact, I am pretty sure there were times that she knew what I was feeling even when I didn’t. It was such a blessing to be able to call Lindsey because I knew she had been in my shoes. About a year later, I received a call from one of my other minister girlfriends and she told me she had had a miscarriage. I realized at that moment that the blessing of my struggle was that I would be able to help Kristin through hers. This time I was the one who knew what she was feeling. I could listen to her and truly understand what she was going through. I knew the things that would make her burst into tears at a moments notice. I was able to be her Lindsey. If I had never known that pain I could never have known the joy of helping her overcome.
Wrapping Up
So instead of asking, “Why me God?”, maybe we should spend some time taking the focus off of ourselves and putting it where it belongs—on God. Maybe we could even try to practice the verse that says, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
As the shock began to wear off, the reality began to sink in that very soon my mom could be gone. After all, my mom’s family has a strong history of heart disease. There were so many different things running through my head and so many emotions coursing through my body that I could barely decipher one from the next. Looking back on it I am surprised that one particular question never crossed my mind when it so easily could have. I never once asked, “Why me, God?”
Now before I go blowing my own horn or you begin thinking I come across a little too saintly to believe, let me tell you that in other life situations that was the very first question on my mind. When Jimmy and I experienced our miscarriage I not only asked God “Why?”; I also hated Him for the pain and loss the miscarriage caused. I believe all men and women either have already had or will have at least one experience in their lives that will make them wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people and good things to bad people. So let’s look at a couple of reasons why God allows us to experience heartaches and struggles.
Why God Let’s Us Experience Heartaches and Struggles
God gave us Freewill
As men and women we are able to make our own decisions because God gave us freewill. However, some of the struggles that life brings us are a consequence of the freewill choices that we have made. We should constantly be struggling to follow God’s will for our lives. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” We are also tempted because we are allowed to make up our own minds about what we will do, when we will do it, and how we will do it. God is just and He will discipline those who willing chooses to go outside of His will. Still He uses these unpleasant times for our benefit. This is clearly explained in Hebrews 11:12, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Struggles and Heartaches allow us to Grow
God uses the hardest times in our lives to make the greatest change in who we are and how we live our lives. In Romans 5:3-5 He clearly explains, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” If life was never hard would we really learn lessons like trust, faith, hope, and love? You don’t know who you truly are or what you truly believe in until you have been tested.
Our Experiences Allow Us to Help Others
Empathy. It is a strong but often over looked word and an even stronger feeling. I don’t think that I fully understood empathy for the longest time. As I mentioned before, Jimmy and I went through a miscarriage in our first year of marriage. It was during this time that I first began to understand what empathy truly meant. I had this one girlfriend, who also happened to be a youth ministers wife, who went out of her way to love me and listen to me and comfort me because she had been through two miscarriages herself and knew exactly what feelings I was up against. In fact, I am pretty sure there were times that she knew what I was feeling even when I didn’t. It was such a blessing to be able to call Lindsey because I knew she had been in my shoes. About a year later, I received a call from one of my other minister girlfriends and she told me she had had a miscarriage. I realized at that moment that the blessing of my struggle was that I would be able to help Kristin through hers. This time I was the one who knew what she was feeling. I could listen to her and truly understand what she was going through. I knew the things that would make her burst into tears at a moments notice. I was able to be her Lindsey. If I had never known that pain I could never have known the joy of helping her overcome.
Wrapping Up
So instead of asking, “Why me God?”, maybe we should spend some time taking the focus off of ourselves and putting it where it belongs—on God. Maybe we could even try to practice the verse that says, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
the Friendship Issue
A couple of days ago, I was having a really crummy day. I woke up in pain. I had to get everything ready for the day. I was disappointed that my plans had fallen through, and in short nothing was going right. I really needed a girlfriend that I could talk to, vent to, and who would give me a big hug in the end. The problem was that I didn't have a girlfriend like that readily available to me. The question is "Why not?". This is what I call the Friendship Issue.
What is the Friendship Issue?
Friendship is one of the best gifts that God has put into our lives, but why does it have to be so hard? Then you add the fact that you are married to a minister into the equation and it makes things infinitely harder. Why?
Friendship is harder when you are in ministry or married to someone in ministry for a couple of reasons.
Number 1: You must surround yourself with people who are holding to a high Christian standard and won't bring you down all the time. You're getting enough people tearing you down without your friends doing it too.
Number 2: Your friends MUST be able to keep your confidences without it affecting the way that they view your church, your ministry, or even you. This is why I personally find it very hard to have intimate friends in my own church. In general, they can't separate your struggles from what's going on in the church.
Number 3: When you are in ministry you will probably relocate several times and distance can often cause problems in maintaining friendships.
How Do I Solve the Friendship Issue?
When I have days like the one above, what do I do? I am still learning this myself, but so far this is how I have learned to handle it. If you have any helpful suggestions I am more than willing to hear them as I am still learning in this area.
Number 1: First and foremost, I turn to God. I pray and tell Him how I am feeling. I ask Him to show me how to get through this.
Number 2: I have developed a small core of women (most of whom are other ministry wives) that I trust implicitly and who I know care about me. Most of all they know what I am going through because they have most likely gone through it to. These are the women I call when I need to vent, to cry, to share my joys, or to chat.
Number 3: Never be afraid to ask for help. If your tried and true friends aren't available, God can and will meet that need through someone else. Pray about it of course, but I am sure that you have a bunch of godly women in your life that have been wives much longer than you have and who are more than willing to listen to you and comfort you and help you. Just make sure that they aren't the church busy-bodies. Use common sense and good judgment but don't be afraid to reach out to these women. They may be the most unexpected blessing of the day.
Closing Thoughts
I know that this isn't a fool proof method and I know that many of us have and probably will be burned by friendships again but you can never stop making friends. If you cut yourself off from the world you won't be able to handle life. It is important that no matter how many bad hands life deals to us that we just keep on living. The best way to do this is through forgiveness, faithfulness, and friendship...but that's another story
What is the Friendship Issue?
Friendship is one of the best gifts that God has put into our lives, but why does it have to be so hard? Then you add the fact that you are married to a minister into the equation and it makes things infinitely harder. Why?
Friendship is harder when you are in ministry or married to someone in ministry for a couple of reasons.
Number 1: You must surround yourself with people who are holding to a high Christian standard and won't bring you down all the time. You're getting enough people tearing you down without your friends doing it too.
Number 2: Your friends MUST be able to keep your confidences without it affecting the way that they view your church, your ministry, or even you. This is why I personally find it very hard to have intimate friends in my own church. In general, they can't separate your struggles from what's going on in the church.
Number 3: When you are in ministry you will probably relocate several times and distance can often cause problems in maintaining friendships.
How Do I Solve the Friendship Issue?
When I have days like the one above, what do I do? I am still learning this myself, but so far this is how I have learned to handle it. If you have any helpful suggestions I am more than willing to hear them as I am still learning in this area.
Number 1: First and foremost, I turn to God. I pray and tell Him how I am feeling. I ask Him to show me how to get through this.
Number 2: I have developed a small core of women (most of whom are other ministry wives) that I trust implicitly and who I know care about me. Most of all they know what I am going through because they have most likely gone through it to. These are the women I call when I need to vent, to cry, to share my joys, or to chat.
Number 3: Never be afraid to ask for help. If your tried and true friends aren't available, God can and will meet that need through someone else. Pray about it of course, but I am sure that you have a bunch of godly women in your life that have been wives much longer than you have and who are more than willing to listen to you and comfort you and help you. Just make sure that they aren't the church busy-bodies. Use common sense and good judgment but don't be afraid to reach out to these women. They may be the most unexpected blessing of the day.
Closing Thoughts
I know that this isn't a fool proof method and I know that many of us have and probably will be burned by friendships again but you can never stop making friends. If you cut yourself off from the world you won't be able to handle life. It is important that no matter how many bad hands life deals to us that we just keep on living. The best way to do this is through forgiveness, faithfulness, and friendship...but that's another story
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
Monday, February 1, 2010
TIME & LOVE the Languages of Discipleship
When I was growing up I had many youth leaders that were single females, but never had the advantage of having a youth minister with a wife. Now here I am and I am the youth minister's wife and I am wondering what I can give to these girls that those youth leaders were never able to give to me. Looking back, I realized that more than anything I wanted a strong, godly female to take me under her wing, to spend time with me, to love me, and to disciple me. I think that I would have given almost anything to have that kind of influence in my young life! When I met Jimmy I loved the way that he would combine the discipleship, love, and time into one technique and that's when I began to realize that time and love are inseparable parts of what discipleship is. In fact, they are the languages in which the lessons of discipleship are communicated!
What is Discipleship?
As I thought about discipleship and what it means to be discipled, I would get the dictionary definition of discipleship. According to Dictionary.com (because who has a real dictionary these days), the use of discipleship as a verb is obsolete! I couldn't believe it! I mean it literally says, "–verb (used with object) Obsolete. to teach; train." Do we really disciple so little that the very use of the word discipleship has become obsolete. What a shame.
Of course when you are looking for an example of what discipleship is what better example than we have than Jesus. I mean where do you think the word discipleship comes from? When Jesus called His 12 disciples, He called them to live life with Him. It wasn't a meeting that they had once a week for an hour or only on the Sabbath -- it was a life lived together, teachable moments, and so much more. So let's break it down and look at the two key ways that discipleship lessons can be communicated to your students.
Discipling with TIME
I have heard it said that once you have spent 10,000 of deliberate practice in your field; you can officially call yourself an expert. As Christians we should desire to be experts at following Christ, and as youth workers and spouses we should want our students to become experts in following Christ as well. I would hazard to guess that by now most of us realize that the majority of teenagers (and some adults) are way to commit 10,000 hours to anything other than video games and TV without someone else helping and encouraging them. This is where discipling with TIME comes into play.
When you spend time with someone you are building a lasting and influential relationship. If someone who you spend lots of time with asks you to do something or not to do something you are more likely to follow through than if some complete stranger asks you to do it. Why do you think that so many teenagers have problems with peer pressure? If you want to make an impact in the lives of your teens, you need to spend time with them outside of the church. Go out to eat. Go to the movies. Have them over for dinner. Spend some 1 on 1 time with them (or 1 on 2 if your spouse is available to hang out too). Let them know that they aren't lost in the crowd. They are important and you do care about them. I realize that it isn't possible to spend 1 on 1 time with every single student, but with a little prayer and observation God will show you the ones that will really benefit from the time you invest in them. Use the life moments and memories you experience together to teach them about what it means to live your life as a Christian outside of church. Show them how you deal with things like death or births or whatever life throws your way. The most important thing is that you are investing TIME in them. Now let's talk about LOVE.
Discipling with LOVE
I would hazard a guess that 99.9% of us have heard the saying "LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E" and now you're thinking "Didn't we just talk about time?". That's right we did so the great news is that you are getting a 2-for-1 deal today! Isn't that awesome! The reason I pull this out separately is that I want you to focus just a moment on the words you use to communicate must be words of love. Ephesians 4:15 says, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." Without words of love we won't mature mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. God designed love to be the fertilizer of our lives. It helps us to grow big and strong and to produce fruitful crops. Words of love are vitally important to our survival!
The best thing about using words of love is that even when you have hard truths or corrections to communicate, when you use words of love the situation has the potential to come to a positive end. SO I encourage you to spend time telling your youth how great they really are. Encourage their potential. Speak the truth in love. Don't use negative nicknames or tear them down just because you can. Take time to grow and mature the seeds of potential that God has planted in their lives. Come on you can do it! It just takes a little genuine love.
What is Discipleship?
As I thought about discipleship and what it means to be discipled, I would get the dictionary definition of discipleship. According to Dictionary.com (because who has a real dictionary these days), the use of discipleship as a verb is obsolete! I couldn't believe it! I mean it literally says, "–verb (used with object) Obsolete. to teach; train." Do we really disciple so little that the very use of the word discipleship has become obsolete. What a shame.
Of course when you are looking for an example of what discipleship is what better example than we have than Jesus. I mean where do you think the word discipleship comes from? When Jesus called His 12 disciples, He called them to live life with Him. It wasn't a meeting that they had once a week for an hour or only on the Sabbath -- it was a life lived together, teachable moments, and so much more. So let's break it down and look at the two key ways that discipleship lessons can be communicated to your students.
Discipling with TIME
I have heard it said that once you have spent 10,000 of deliberate practice in your field; you can officially call yourself an expert. As Christians we should desire to be experts at following Christ, and as youth workers and spouses we should want our students to become experts in following Christ as well. I would hazard to guess that by now most of us realize that the majority of teenagers (and some adults) are way to commit 10,000 hours to anything other than video games and TV without someone else helping and encouraging them. This is where discipling with TIME comes into play.
When you spend time with someone you are building a lasting and influential relationship. If someone who you spend lots of time with asks you to do something or not to do something you are more likely to follow through than if some complete stranger asks you to do it. Why do you think that so many teenagers have problems with peer pressure? If you want to make an impact in the lives of your teens, you need to spend time with them outside of the church. Go out to eat. Go to the movies. Have them over for dinner. Spend some 1 on 1 time with them (or 1 on 2 if your spouse is available to hang out too). Let them know that they aren't lost in the crowd. They are important and you do care about them. I realize that it isn't possible to spend 1 on 1 time with every single student, but with a little prayer and observation God will show you the ones that will really benefit from the time you invest in them. Use the life moments and memories you experience together to teach them about what it means to live your life as a Christian outside of church. Show them how you deal with things like death or births or whatever life throws your way. The most important thing is that you are investing TIME in them. Now let's talk about LOVE.
Discipling with LOVE
I would hazard a guess that 99.9% of us have heard the saying "LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E" and now you're thinking "Didn't we just talk about time?". That's right we did so the great news is that you are getting a 2-for-1 deal today! Isn't that awesome! The reason I pull this out separately is that I want you to focus just a moment on the words you use to communicate must be words of love. Ephesians 4:15 says, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." Without words of love we won't mature mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. God designed love to be the fertilizer of our lives. It helps us to grow big and strong and to produce fruitful crops. Words of love are vitally important to our survival!
The best thing about using words of love is that even when you have hard truths or corrections to communicate, when you use words of love the situation has the potential to come to a positive end. SO I encourage you to spend time telling your youth how great they really are. Encourage their potential. Speak the truth in love. Don't use negative nicknames or tear them down just because you can. Take time to grow and mature the seeds of potential that God has planted in their lives. Come on you can do it! It just takes a little genuine love.
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